PAPA

Mixture feeling of writing this entry. I hope I don’t have to write this but I do. In memory of my beloved Papa. Soon will be his 62nd birthday (supposedly) on 16th October but Allah loves him more. It’s been exactly 3 weeks since he left us. Papa left us on Friday, 14th September 2012 @ 27 Syawal 1433H. In a way I’m happy as he’s one of the chosen ones to pass away on a Friday. I wish I’ll have the same opportunity when my time comes, insyaAllah, amin…


I imagine this will be a long one but depends on my emotional state, I might not be strong enough to keep on writing about Papa without shedding a lot of tears and I don’t want to shed a lot of tears now that I’m still in ‘healing’ state from the lost.

About the day Papa left us, it was very shocking. He passed away at his home without any severe illness. He just had a slight fever few days before that but I talked to him through the phone on Thursday, one day before he left us and he sounded ok. Perhaps he was not really that ok but he never told us if he’s sick or anything. He was very secretive and didn’t want to trouble us or made us worry. And for that also I’m relieved as I imagine he passed away peacefully and I hope it was the case as none of us was there when he breathed his last breath ;(((

The chronology on that fateful Friday:

Izma was at PCMC, admitted since Monday due to her high fever; I slept there every night from Monday – Thursday. Friday morning I went to work from PCMC while my mom came and stayed with Izma.

Upon arriving office, I got a call from Halim, one of the workers at Cheras Dialysis Centre where Papa went for her dialysis treatment 3 times per week on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. He mentioned that he tried to call Papa since 7.30am but he didn’t pick up his phone. He was concern because Papa went for his dialysis on Thursday morning and he didn’t look well. I said yes he mentioned that he had a slight fever but nothing serious (according to him). And I said that I just talked to him yesterday (Thursday) at around 6pm and he didn’t mention anything about his fever. After talking to Halim I tried to call Papa as well but nobody pick up the phone. But I was thinking this is normal, sometimes he left his phone when going out and he’ll call back.

I kept trying the whole day but no answers. In the evening, Izma was discharged at about 5.30pm and we went straight to Papa’s house. The rest is history. It was a long night but I don’t want to record it here. It will stick in my memories for the rest of my life. Whatever it is I was really thankful to Halim as without his call that morning, I don’t know what would happen. It’s all being written, these whole happenings.

Anyhow just to recall the last moments we had with Papa, I last saw him on Monday the same week he left. He came to PCMC to visit Izma. He stayed for about half an hour and I just let him played with Izma. Izma was very happy to see her Atuk and had a lot of laughter eventhough she was having a high fever then. Papa even carried her around the room and she liked it. She seldom likes people to carry her except for me of course but that night she was happy to be with Atuk. And this was maybe because Papa came to our house the day before (Sunday) and played with her so she was all warmed up to him :). Papa said to Izma while visiting her that Monday night “Nanti Izma dah baik kita pegi makan aiskrim ye, nanti Atuk dtg rumah Izma kita tgk cat yer…” and Izma was nodding excitedly to his suggestion. But they never had that chance and little that we knew about that then ;((

One day before that (Sunday), I invited some of my friends from office to my home as they won’t be able to come for my ‘open housewarming’ which was planned to be on Saturday, 15th September. So I was hosting a mini open house a week earlier on that Sunday. I cooked chicken rice, beef rendang and bought some lemang. After they left I called Papa and invited him over as I still have some food left. He came at around 6pm and stayed until 9pm. And also little that we knew then, that would be the last time he came to my house, ate there, had his prayers there, played with Izma there ;((

Papa came to my house quite regularly during weekends. That’s the only time for him to see and play with Izma and Izma always enjoyed his company. He would take Izma into his car and drove around the neighborhood, just the 2 of them, bought her ice cream and other ‘jajan’. Then he played with her in the house, looking for cats outside and had a good time together. Usually we’ll just let them spent time together and I’ll do some housework during his visit.

But that Sunday was extra special. Came dinner time hubby and I were still full and didn’t want to have our dinner. I just prepared meals I cooked for Papa and join him at dining table, just drinking. Suddenly Izma wanted to have dinner with her Atuk so I put her in the seat next to Papa and gave her a bowl of chicken rice. As Papa already had his dinner company, I left them both and went on to clear the dishes in the sink. Turned out Papa was very happy to have a ‘dinner date’ with Izma and they chatted and laughed over the dinner. And Papa kept saying to me afterwards “Izma nak mkn dgn Papa la, banyak dia mkn tapi dia mkn ayam je. Nasik mkn sikit je. Seronok dia mkn dengan Papa”. I just smiled and very happy to see Papa was sooo happy spending time with his granddaughter :) And he kept on saying that while having dinner with Izma. He kept saying “Seronok Izma makan dengan Papa, byk dia makan, pandai dia cubit ayam…” with happy smile on his face. And surprisingly Izma was also enjoying herself just sitting there with her Atuk. She was ok with me and hubby being far from her which was rare events. And for this memory also, I hope he left feeling happy having to spent good time with his families just few days before that. And in a way I felt satisfied to have a chance to serve Papa with my home cooked meals eventhough it was not that delicious. I’ll never have that chance ever ;((

Regardless, I know that was nothing compared to what he had sacrificed for me all this while. And I didn’t manage to repay my debts on all his hardship of raising me, and I’ll never have that chance, not in a million years ;(( But I hope my du’a reached him and he’ll rest in peace together with good Muslims, Amin…that’s all I can do now.

We didn’t have our ‘open housewarming’ on that Saturday, instead we were having a tahlil for Papa at my aunt’s house. My aunts and uncles mentioned that Papa had texted them 1 week before inviting them to my open house, but instead it was actually for him ;((

I think that was as far as I can go now. I’ll break down if I go further ;(

All in all, I hope I have the strength eventually to carry on without Papa. Last week while in office suddenly I was thinking “eh nak call Papa la, dah lama tak call..” and I was reaching my handphone when suddenly the reality hit me, I can’t call Papa, he’s not here anymore ;(( and I will never can call him…soooo sad…ya Allah, please give me strength to go through this lost, Amin…

And weekends are so different without him visiting us. I was like waiting for him to come through our door anytime and Izma will be very excited ;((

Hopefully we’ll be ok soon and I want to keep on reciting all the good memories I had with Papa throughout my 30 years of life.

Papa, I love you so much and I hope you had a peaceful rest there with Him and I will always make du’a for you, reciting Quran for you and I hope it reached you…I hope you are proud of having me as your daughter, I will never forget what you have done for me especially on teaching me to read the Quran when I was little. May Allah bless you for everything you did, Amin…

Al-Fatihah to Papa, 16th October 1950 – 14th September 2012…