Deja vu

No no no not Dejavu di Kinabalu yer...hehe

Yes this is like a repetition entry. The last entry on this experience was written more or less exactly one year ago. Same situation, almost the same time, same feelings.

OMG I'm dragging myself to write this entry and literally having butterflies in my stomach as soon as I start writing...ok maybe not literally la, over okkk ;p

So what's the deja vu event? It's my miscarriage event :((
I remembered last year I was sitting at Starbucks KLCC one week after Aidilfitri, during my 1-week medical leave, writing about our first miscarriage experience. And now, on my 2-week medical leave, sitting alone in my house, writing about our second experience :(

So yeah it happened again to us. I found out that I'm pregnant in early July, Alhamdulillah, few days before hubby's birthday (and I made the positive pregnancy test kit as his birthday present so that I don't have to buy other present ;p). We were happy and thrilled after 6 months of trying but deep deep deep down also very worried especially me. I'm so trauma of my past experience and couldn't actually enjoy the good news. We didn't tell any of our family members as I decided to break the news once we passed the first trimester. However we didn't make it to the first trimester so the secret remains a secret except to my mom as we need her help to take care of Izma during my D&C procedure. So have to spill out the news to her eventually.

Positive!!! Yeay Alhamdulillah :))

Anyways, it's really really a deja vu event because I got pregnant just few weeks before fasting month just like last year, managed to secure my first appointment with Dr Seri one week after Raya which I'll be in my week 12 by the time I see her just like last year my first appoinment was supposed to be one week after Raya and on my week 12, didn't make it to the first appointment for both years. So yeah creepy deja vu. Hopefully this is the last of it, no more deja vu. Ok pening banyak sgt perkataan deja vu. Btw I hate that Dejavu di Kinabalu drama, so slow, no offense Tiz's fans ;p

Ok down to my story this time around, I got so nervous as soon as I knew I was pregnant. So trauma and phobia of my previous experience and really hoped that we make it this time. My EDD was 11/03/2013, last year's was 23/03/2012, difference about 2 weeks which explains the 'dejavuness' as this year we're celebrating Ramadhan and Aidilfitri 2 weeks earlier than last year. Anyways since I was so nervous, we decided not to wait until week 12 for my first appointment thus decided to have earlier check up with a proper gynae (not just walk in into any clinics that have an ultrasound machine like we did for the past 2 pregnancies ;p). We managed to secure appointment with Dr Khamsiah at An-Nur Specialist Hospital just at our own backyard here in Bangi during the first week of Ramadhan.

So we  went for the check up on 26/07/2012 and I'm supposed to be in my week 7+. However the ultrasound didn't show that. Supposedly we should expecting a heartbeat to be heard already in week 7, but for our case, there's no heartbeat at all. The sac was very small size around 4 weeks+ and there's no feotus sighted. Our hearts broke right then, right there but we acted strong. Although the Dr convinced us that it might be possible that the baby was growing late due to late ovulation perhaps but we knew what actually happened because I had regular periods and not really possible the ovulation date will be different by 2-3 weeks.

I was prescribed Duphaston for 2 weeks and scheduled for another appointment on 09/08/2012. Dr Khamsiah mentioned that there should be heartbeat during that time or else it's history. But we really can't wait for 09/08 and would really want to have a second opinion on this. And decided to take our chance to try see Dr Seri of PCMC. I really struggled to get an appointment with her. I tried swapping with my friend whose appt was on 07/08 (mine supposed to be on 28/8 - sooo long way to go) to the extend we had harrassed her assistant...hehe pity her just doing her job. When that didn't work, I PM Dr Seri on her Facebook but of course knowing her busy self she didn't reply my message (penat karang cite sedih ;p) then last step I emailed her (as advised by my friend Joely :)). Another sad story, a bit sadder than the Facebook version ;p. I emailed her on 31/07, she didn't reply, but on 01/08 her assistant called me up and mentioned that Dr Seri asked me to come see her the next day on Thursday, 02/08 exactly 1 week after our first check up @ An Nur...phewww Alhamdulillah our efforts paid :)

So we went for the check up on 02/08 and the ultrasound showed same image as per my first ultrasaound and the sac was actually became smaller despite 1-week consumption of Duphaston. No feotus sighted as well, just an empty sac :( So it's confirmed I was having yet another missed miscarriage just like the previous one but our previous one we had a feotus in the sac which was not growing. Sad. Frustrated. But the feelings were better than last year's because we had gone through this before and had mentally prepared for it before we went to see Dr Seri. So we were ok when told about the news. And also I felt better than last time because this time around there was no feotus/baby inside the sac so not really feeling guilty of losing the sac. Last year we had actually saw the heartbeat when I was 5-week pregnant and not hearing it again in my week 10, so I just couldn't describe the feeling. I kept thinking if I did anything wrong which caused the baby stop growing...huhu

Alhamdulillah this time around perhaps Allah made it easier for us to go through another challenge from Him during this Ramadhan :) So we straight away scheduled for D&C procedure the next day, Friday 03/08 (last year's date was 03/09/2011). Like Dr Seri said 'the earlier we end this episode, the earlier we can begin a new one' :)). Love Dr Seri the positive Dr and always know what to say to cheer us up and somehow gave us a little hope there :) And what makes me love her more is because she gave me 2 weeks medical leave!!! weehuuuu until Raya okkk jgn jeles!!!hahaha

Right now I'm working at home for this one week because the assessment thingy is just starting this week and it's that busy time of the year. I plan to go to office next week Tuesday - Thursday just to pick up my ordered raya cookies and cakes...hehehe

Whatever it is we really thank Allah for this another opportunity for me to go through the pregnancy experience once more. It was indeed a beautiful experience although only for a short while, Alhamdulillah our prayers being heard all this while :)) And also to add to this we're more thankful when I heard my boss' remarks on my situation. On my last day of work before the D&C I told my boss that I was pregnant but I just had a miscarriage and will be off for 2 weeks + 1 week raya leave. His remarks that I couldn't forget was that he told me that we're still lucky because the miscarriage event indicates that I can become pregnant and did become pregnant, and have the chances again to become pregnant in the future without problems, InsyaAllah. He said this because he is currently struggling with her wife to get pregnant. He has no kid yet and his wife is having some problem of getting pregnant. At least we on the other hand had already have our adorable Izma in our lives. His remarks was really an eye opening and true what they said, when you think you had been challenged to your bones, just open you eyes and see those who have bigger challenges than yours, then you'll be really thankful...Alhamdulillah :)

Anddd.....we are not giving up! I have a follow-up check up with Dr Seri on 14 Sept and InsyaAllah she's helping us to get us twins!!!hehe just kidding ;p She had some plans but I'm not really sure what because she told me about the plan right after the D&C procedure when I was still dizzy from the anaesthetics (betul ke eja ni? belasahhh). So I just agreed on whatever she said...hehe but I did remember she mentioned twins then she laughed really loudly ;p

So yeah that's our deja vu. Hopefully it's the last one. I pray that my next deja vu is on the event of going through the same experience I had when giving birth to Izma, InsyaAllah Aminnn...

Btw on the happier note, my dearest hubby is officially a Professional Engineer with an Ir. title in front of his name, Alhamdulillah, his 2-year efforts paid off finally. So there you go, the sad and happy news in this Ramadhan al-Mubarak, Alhamdulillah, we can never thank Allah enough :)

To all of you peeps, Happy Ramadhan, Happy Aidilfitri in advance :))